Recently, it has been brought to my attention (by my therapist), that my reactions and emotions may be overly dramatic. That my perceptions of things may tend toward the negative sides of things. Nothing new, but presented in a much more confronting manner. Also, she’s right.
Since childhood, I have been creating melodramatic stories in my mind, filled with intense emotions and grand gestures. It would take me hours to fall asleep, dealing with grief, love stories, heartbreak and a lot of existential dread.
To this day, most of my life drama plays out in my head. My mind creates problems. Induce intense emotions. Hopes for the life changing gestures and the signs that may lead to it. The Quest. The Journey. The Romance.
As an adult, apart from the lack of sleep, it does create challenges. Inability to make decisions. Unrealistic expectations toward my life and the future. Disappointements of daily living that can’t keep up with the intensity this mind seeks so badly.
It leads to endless questions, discomfort, boredom. This mind chaos, rooted in anxiety and confusion, stalled by a feeling, a life that does not exist.
So, where do we go from all this internalize melodrama?
1} Do Nothing
This one seems obvious. I could continue like I have always did, pretend like everything is fine. Wish to feel numb. Overwhelmed by all these emotions I do not understand. Overanalyze everything. Wish for a different life.
Not able to put this melodrama on paper, in writing, from fear; from high expectations. Of never amounting to anything other than a nobody.
2} Live the melodrama
Follow all the ideas in my mind chaos. Live fully through all this intensity, pain, and possibly a lot of suffering. Go down this cycle of autodestructive behaviors and bring down other people with it.
Seems unlikely. As much as I can deal with self-inflected pain, I can’t bear the thought of hurting others.
3} Practice Mindfulness.
So my therapist suggested I practice mindfulness. The conscious act of observing one’s own emotions and thoughts without judging or acting on them. To reduce the stress induced by them, reduce the urge to act on them and the powerlessness it brings.
mindfulness = chill the fuck down.
At this point, it may be worth a try.
I guess there is a bunch of others options available but at the moment, those seems the most likely. I am open to other suggestions if any.
Fueling these self created melodramas and living a life filled with mind chaos created problems is exhausting. It feels lonesome.
So far, the previous method hasn’t been successful. I have been standing still for a long time in the middle of this mind storm, unable to move by fear of failing, hurting others, disappointing some. In the end, I am the one suffering.
It might be time to face the music and its lack of intensity. Highs are fun, but crashes hurt too much. It fuels the mind chaos. It strives on it.
I appear to have it all. I have everything I need. But such are the mysterious ways of invisible illness.
Apparently, we have everything we need within us. Feeling of loneliness, self hatred, lack of confidence can only be healed from within. It’s time to break up with these old companions. I deserve better friends. I deserve better.