The death of Christmas Magic

This year, I decided not to celebrate Christmas. At least, not the way I used to in the past years.

For the past six years, I would host several Christmas parties every year, listen to the music starting in November, buy all the holidays related shit I could find, I needed to own it. I was watching all the Christmas movies I could find, Hallmark ones and all. It was an obsession. I wanted to succeed at Christmas. I would have done everything to have this Christmas Magic feeling back, only for a minute. Holding it and never letting go. Only to be disappointed once more every year. Nothing could even compete with this level of expectation. Christmas came with this mix of dread, hope and disappointment. This massive source of stress and expectations, ending the holidays emotionally and physically exhausted and sad. Usually followed by the winter months of depression.

I had been reflecting on the moment this Christmas Magic feeling vanished for me lately. I can almost certainly pin it back to the year my grand-mother died, 14 years ago. Christmases were never the same after. I just only realized this, all those years later. Ever since, I have been chasing these feelings of amazement, sparkles, being swiped off your feet. Moments that would leave you breathless, full of wonder, grateful. I know I will never see my grand-mother again, but I think a part of me died when she did. Now, it is up to me to make this holiday my own.

This year, due to several circonstances, I decided to not celebrate. I tuned it down to minimum, mostly on my expectations. No gifts, no decorations, limited parties. Very low dose of Christmas music, which I realize really just makes me feel sad for now. Same goes for Christmas movies, especially Hallmark or romantic related ones. I see this as a break. Perhaps, one day, I will find a new meaning to this Christmas Magic; have healthier expectations, closer to reality. But for now, it is easier to take a step back from this collective madness that can be Christmas, with the holiday stress of diners, gifts giving, overspending, and just focus on the present time.

I used to think that you could win or fail at Christmas. I valued this holiday above all the others. I wanted to be the Christmas Queen. It was the time of the year where I HAD to be happy and spread the cheers. Giving a lot of presents, homemade gifts, thoughtful cards. I focused so much on making it perfect, looking everywhere for a feeling that doesn’t exist, that I ended up missing everything. I would feel resentment at times, sadness and unfilled needs I couldn’t identify at others. I don’t want to become bitter, become a Grinch. I just want to be happy.

I wish everyone happy holidays, may they be jolly and bright, whatever it means to you. Whether you are lonely or working or away during this period, remember that you are not alone. It is a time to reflect on the past year and the one to come. Spend it with the ones you care for and that love you as you are. It doesn’t have to be your blood family. And if you don’t feel safe celebrating this year, it’s okay to take a break, skip parties, not giving gifts. You don’t owe anymore. Take care of yourself first. This is the best gift you could ever give yourself.

Love

– Cynical Mermaid.

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2 thoughts on “The death of Christmas Magic

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  1. I’m sorry that Christmas isn’t a happy time for you, but I can understand this need for perfection and wanting to have this over excitement that’s blasted at us everywhere. For me though it’s always been happy. My mom really out did herself every Christmas, and it makes me think of the joy of waking up and seeing what Santa brought. Of course now we no longer exchange gifts, thank goodness. No need to spend a bunch of money and stress over what to buy. We did buy my 3 year old nephew a gift, because come on Christmas is all about the kids and their sense of wonder. But for me I put up the Christmas tree because it’s sparkly and I hang our stockings, and that’s it. I’ll watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas and my husband will force me to sit through A Christmas Story again. And it’s just the 2 of us. We go to my family’s for Thanksgiving, but he works through Christmas so we just hang out. Make delicious food and chill. It definitely shouldn’t be about out doing everyone else, and non-stop parties. Of course I’m not a party person anyway, I pretty much prefer just dealing with 1 person at a time, sometimes small groups for short periods of time. But anyway, I do hope you get your Christmas spirit back and you find a way to celebrate that does bring you happiness.

    But I have to say I think the best view I’ve ever heard of Christmas, was actually from Doctor Who. There was a line that said: On every world, wherever people are, in the deepest part of the winter, at the exact midpoint, everybody stops, and turns, and hugs, as if to say “Well done. Well done, everyone! We’re halfway out of the dark.”

    There’s just something about that line that just makes me happy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh! I very much like that whovian story. It’s always good to take a break with our love ones to get through dark times (especially winter)

      I know sooner than later my christmas spirit will come back, but this year has been very instropective, did a lot of changes, and am working throughout the Holidays so I think it just makes sense at this point.

      I hope you enjoy your holidays, your family and husband seem awesome ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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