Until recently, I have to shamefully admit that I did not know asexuality and aromantic inclination were a possibility. I have to humbly say, it blew my mind. That some individual have little to no inclination to sexuality or romantic relationship was a totally foreign concept to me. Having dedicated most of my life to ponder on the great matters of love and sexuality, it seemed surreal. Why? How? To love and be loved; To desire and be desired were my life purpose. Obviously, I knew about the spectrum but had yet to be confronted with this reality before. I was simply not aware.
On my part, I consider myself on the opposite side of the spectrum. I want it all. Sometimes, it causes problems. I wish I thought less about it. I envy the free space it would liberate in my mind to focus on something else than my emotions, my desire, my feelings. Not to say that those on the other end of the spectrum don’t experience feelings or emotions, but I have a hard time envisioning what it feels like. I can’t help but feeling envious. In my mind, it seems so freeing. I am probably wrong and understand everything badly and please correct me if I do, but liberating one’s mind of such trivial subjects may lead to greater discoveries. Again, some of the greatest writers dedicated their life to write about trivial matters, but in this day in age, it seems we have much more to do than spend days writing poetry to a blond virginal beauty.
I am the type of person that can’t compartiment. I feel intensely most of the time. Sadness, excitement, exaltation, desire, love, hate. I wish I could feel nothing, but I don’t seem to have been programmed this way. The few times I can empty my mind is a time of great distress to me. It feel uncomfortable, suffocating. It seems there is always a million things running at the background of my head at the same time. Focusing is a hard thing to do. I wish I could empty my head just be able to focus on what really matters. Instead, I feel it takes so much place, it creates problems, unnecessary pain and troubles, disassociation, anxiety and depression.
This year, I want to pursue the work to distance myself from my emotions. I know it won’t be easy. I know most of my emotions are valid. But perhaps if I give them time to bloom, they might be something much more positive. Just the thought of taming my intensity makes me anxious, but this intensity also hurts me the most.
I definitely want to educate myself more on asexuality and aromanticism, it might teach me a thing or two about myself, about being a better person to others and how to relate to this big great world.