Today; I feel overwhelmed, exhausted. It feels like I just ended a mood cycle. I usually go between happiness; high energy; anxiety; depression; high expectations on myself; and everything in between. I try to do everything at once to convince myself of my worth. Convince myself I am as good as everyone else. As productive as everyone else.
And ever so often I have days like today; feeling like I have hit a wall. Feeling at the end of my rope. Unsure of the way to go. Realizing I overestimated my capacities. Then; the self-doubts and insecurities creep in. Overwhelming sadness and exhaustion.
I realize it hasn’t been three weeks yet since my life was changed forever by an embrace with a car. I haven’t taken much time to rest, to heal, to recover. Time when I don’t feel guilty for not being productive. Time just to be; to breathe. Without an agenda or pressure. Since the accident; my perspective on some aspects of my life has changed, but I think I still have much work to do.
I am sure in a few days I will be better; significantly less tired and in a much better mood. A new cycle will begin. Can the cycle be avoided or is it just part of my mental health?
Before you tell me to be nice with myself; to be mindful & give myself some time.
Yes. I know. I give those advices like candies on Halloween. Easier said than done
Realizing your limitations, while helpful, feel some days like a slap in the face. Especially when your limitations are invisibles. When you fail to see them yourself at times. When your voices makes you feel like a fraud. Like you don’t belong. Because you’re not really disabled, right? But it’s barely past lunch and you’re already out of spoons.
Lately; I am more than ever confronted by the fact that I am a being ruled by her emotions. They guide my life. Set the mood for the day; the week; the months. Sometimes they are positive; most often negatives and rooted in self-hatred.
I am not afraid to open my heart and share the inner working of my soul. While living with invisible disabilities is challenging; I am dedicated to live an authentic life. To show that opening yourself and your heart to others not only cultivate love and a sense of community, it also may help others put words on their own mind chaos or start their own introspective journey.
The older I get, and the more therapy I do, the easier it is to call BS on my inner voices. I may not like myself but I start to understand why some of you do. And that is a part of healing. Tiny steps into recovery.
Hope is the fuel that keeps us going. Rolling with the punches through life’s obstacles. Resilient. Life is a journey, yes, just not a linear one.
**If you are feeling triggered by this article, feel free to contact me for support or your local hotline. You matters. Take care of yourself