Walking in the chaos.

Unpopular opinion: I hate summer. The heat; the humidity; the sun burns but above all else; BUGS.

I am triggered by all of them; no discrimination. Even ladybugs and butterflies.

Seeing more than one in my home usually trigger fears and ocd-like behaviours.

Today was the first warm day in Montreal; above 20celsius; with the sun and all. I decided to open the two windows with mesh screen in my living room. I would never opened an unmeshed screen. Never. I’d rather cook in my own blood.

This day already started hard; I woke up late and groggy from nightmares; life and undecisions felt heavy on my shoulders. I was already fragile from the past day; so it wouldn’t have taken much to trigger me to be honest. I had already killed a spider on the ceiling earlier today.

I was mentally prepping myself to go do a little grocery shopping between two loads and forcing myself to walk the dog in this warm weather when I noticed 2 bigs ants in my living room. And two mores and two mores. I had killed at least seven after closing the windows. Quick survey of the room; all is fine. Or so I thought.

Less than 2 minutes after I sat back into the couch with an odd feeling; Another big ass ant walks on my armrest. After a scream and a killing; a couple more invaded the room. This wasn’t good. I felt very anxious by then; my ocd behaviours were triggered; panic attacks overwhelmed me. Moving furnitures around; I found a couple more; drowning them in cleaning sprays. After a thorough evaluation; it seemed to have calm down but I had a problem now and wasn’t sure what to do.

I did what I always do in those times; call the husband. After trying to calm me down; he advised to spray raid in the room; if it’s unpacked.

It’s helpful to mention at this point that I am still not into my apartment and this temporary place has done nothing but increase my anxiety; fears and triggers.

Back in the cupboard, I frenetically searched and found those little ant traps that I scattered around the room. A new ant had been spotted and drowned. Headache start to kick in.

I finally found the Raid; cleared the room of important stuff and started spraying. I know it might not be good for the environment but it’s mighty good for my mental health. Close that door. Will reevaluate and spray again tomorrow. I curse myself for opening those damn windows.

In the room next to it; the kitchen; I start noticing tiny ants. Shit. That’s when the panic really sets for the rest of the night.

Catastrophizing. Nausea. Headaches. Itching. Obsessive uncontrollable thoughts. Lead like stomach pit. Shallow breathing. It’s not a good night. Obsessive ideation of having ants on me. Headaches. Clenched jaw.

So I kill whatever I find on the floor. Vacuumed and washed the floors of the whole apartment; which I never do; to disinfect; showered, changed my clothes three times, clean every surfaces in the kitchen, all the dishes and did a couple loads.

I am exhausted now. I know I will not have a good night. My body is itching all over for what I suspect to be psychosomatic sensations.

Every spots, marks, dirts is subject to thorough evaluation. In case it’s an ant. I even considered a few being on my dog; as a carrier; which is unlikely. I examined my pillow carefully.

The obsessive mind never rests. It turns its hamster wheel endlessly. No preoccupation given to its owner.

I know tomorrow after I wake up; I’ll proceed to another thorough examination of the floors, the living room and spray the room again before cleaning it a few hours later. This wasn’t how I planned my day; my week.

Someone else might be unbothered; put some traps, kill the visible ones and move on with their day.

I am trapped in the mind chaos.

I know most of these thoughts aren’t rational and possible extremists; but « what if? » is the anxious favorite song.

And tonight; I’ll be singing it until dawn,

Catherine aka the anxious mermaid


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