Visibly Invisible Illness

Some say it’s an invisible illness

But I see it everyday as I look in the miror

The rolls, the stretchmarks, the cellulites

All these bites eaten to soothe the pain

To hide this endless void of suffering

Forgetting what hunger fills like, fearing the emptiness.

All this weight I am still wearing as an armor

To shield myself against the harm of the world

I wear the shame and the disgust as another layer of clothing

As I was thought as a little girl, it only flared up since

It may be invisible to others, but it’s the only thing my reflection shows to me

Not the heartwarming smile, the gentle eyes, the compassion to others.

Not the love of those surrounding me, only what is absent, my own.

Focussing on the lack when the rest abounds.

Coming to terms with a body that is scarred, marked by mental illnesses and eating disorder

A body I fail to see its beauty doesn’t make it any less beautiful, desirable, worthy.

A body some would deemed lazy, stupid or ugly.

A body I inflicting more violence than it deserved

By a mind that is invisibly ill to others.

20 years of suffering in silence, invisible to most.

To you, a smiling young woman, with all her life in front of her.

To me, a self-reflection filled with disgust, self-hatred, failing to see what you do.

You tried with all your might. You can’t save me.

But I haven’t given up yet.

Just watch me.


Walking the tightrope

Stranded in the middle of the wire

Between two lives I dream and admire

Struggling to keep balance

To not lose foot in this whirlwind dance

Trying to see through the fog

Up in the air, on this single cord

In the darkness of indecisions

Which way to go for good fortune

Never was I meant to be an acrobat, a funambulist

Breathless, to skirt this mind chaos controlled by the artist

Life hanging by a single thread

As failing over may cause great dread

Feet burned by the cold metal cable

Flesh burned beyond aching trouble

As each passing minutes, bring more sorrow

To myself and the one I know.

I have to keep walking this tightrope alone

As no one can save me from my own.

Letter to a friend

For days, I have been writing this letter to you

Words spining in my head

Bitter words between two strangers


Too afraid of what words would come out

Of undressing my soul to your unwilling eyes

Afraid of losing a friend I have yet to make


By my own agenda I have been blinded

Yet again by my own game, I was cheated

From my own mind chaos, I ran to perdition


For days, I wondered and pondered

If I can make it through

If I can be a good friend to you


For days, I have sighed and waited

For the words you will never say

For an answer, a give away


By my own accord, I keep suffering

Masochistic nature allowing status quo

Dichotomy of the heart and the mind


Reconciling feelings unrequited,

Expectations bound to be disappointed.

Heartbreak of a relationship that never was.


To continue living a lie and wish to quiet my heart,

To fear of missing out on the wonderful things you have yet to bring

Turning this dilemma in my head to a solution where there is no win


To a letter, that may never be written

Words, you may never know.

This heartbreak I shall bear on my own

Uneven ground of the heart

I can’t trust my feelings

I can’t trust my heart content

I can’t trust what’s in my head


Lying voices haunting me

Your face blurred in the mind chaos

I can’t find the true North of my heart


It always point back to you

Head full of you,

Full of a life that will never be


Living a life of endless lies

Skin crackling from stretched grins

Dead eyes under the shadows


Unbairn babies crying in the dark

The screams of my mind so loud

As loud as the Banshee inside me


Uneven ground

Dizzy spell

I wait for the words you shall never say

Chronic pains of the mind

Drowning in my thoughts,
Slipping into this mind chaos.

The silence is so loud,
My mind is splitting up.

You may be trapped in your body,
But this mind is my prison,
Everlasting executioner.

Alone in this darkness,
I spin, restless.

I slap, I cut, I scream,
Physical marks of a ghost,
Of a madness that can’t be named.

However deep are the wounds,
It can’t rival the agony of the mind,
the feasting of the ghoul.

I cry in the day,
Scream in my sleep,
For no rest I am granted.

Shadows always by my side,
Ever present, I can hardly breathe,
I have nowhere to hide.

Unaware of it all,
You don’t know the depth of it,
Safe behind your self-righteous walls.

But I tired of this mask,
Exhausted from this charade,
If you could only ask,
Maybe I wouldn’t be so afraid.

I wished you cared enough to hear my voice
I wish I could bare you my soul,
By cracking this skull open for you to see,
How all the shadows have taken control of me.

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